Reminder: deep breaths. When my middle-schoolers are pushing back. When they are trying to make their points. When they think they know better.
I am quick to anger. Then I yell. Then I start excessively punishing and taking away privileges. Today, I took away electronics, phone and the school dance. And yelled. Because of back-talk in the car. When I had a headache.
It creates a cycle: We then cool down and have a discussion. Everyone apologizes. The kids are on their best behavior. They tip-toe around me as if they are walking on eggshells. Then I feel guilty. I admit I was excessive, apologize again, and then give them back the privilege. Then I feel like crap
The hardest part for me is this self-analysis: Does my bipolar make me quick to anger? Does it contribute to the excessiveness of the punishment? Does it create guilt that keeps me from following through with a consequence? And the worst: Are my kids afraid of me?
I realize that at 11, 13 and 15 that my kids are going to hate me at times. I get that. The harder part is looking at my behavior and decisions and wondering if I have been fair, yet firm.
For now, I just want to breathe. And relax. And do everything I can to get this headache to go away so that I can be a better mother.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
3:30 in the morning
It is 3:30 in the morning. I am not tired. I am hungry. For PB and J on soft, new bread.
I am bipolar. I am a mom to three fun and funny middle schoolers. I am also a high level executive at one of the worlds largest companies. I was diagnosed 14 years ago and on various medications ever since. I am mostly well. And always scared as I know what the abyss really feels like. It terrifies me.
I have an amazing husband. I remember hearing somewhere that some ridiculous percentage of marriages with a bipolar person end in divorce. My husband's dedication has kept our marriage strong. I know I am lucky.
I know the inside of a psych ward. I know the burden of stigma and secrecy. I know the feelings of inadequacy when I have to question whether my feelings or perception are "real" or warped.
I have wanted to write about this for a long time. Partly because it is carthartic for me, but more importantly, I feel I need to share that people with diagnosed mental illness have plenty of tools available, and can be successful
I look forward to our shared efforts so thank you for honoring me with your time. More to come. For now, however, I am going back to bed.
I am bipolar. I am a mom to three fun and funny middle schoolers. I am also a high level executive at one of the worlds largest companies. I was diagnosed 14 years ago and on various medications ever since. I am mostly well. And always scared as I know what the abyss really feels like. It terrifies me.
I have an amazing husband. I remember hearing somewhere that some ridiculous percentage of marriages with a bipolar person end in divorce. My husband's dedication has kept our marriage strong. I know I am lucky.
I know the inside of a psych ward. I know the burden of stigma and secrecy. I know the feelings of inadequacy when I have to question whether my feelings or perception are "real" or warped.
I have wanted to write about this for a long time. Partly because it is carthartic for me, but more importantly, I feel I need to share that people with diagnosed mental illness have plenty of tools available, and can be successful
I look forward to our shared efforts so thank you for honoring me with your time. More to come. For now, however, I am going back to bed.
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