Reminder: deep breaths. When my middle-schoolers are pushing back. When they are trying to make their points. When they think they know better.
I am quick to anger. Then I yell. Then I start excessively punishing and taking away privileges. Today, I took away electronics, phone and the school dance. And yelled. Because of back-talk in the car. When I had a headache.
It creates a cycle: We then cool down and have a discussion. Everyone apologizes. The kids are on their best behavior. They tip-toe around me as if they are walking on eggshells. Then I feel guilty. I admit I was excessive, apologize again, and then give them back the privilege. Then I feel like crap
The hardest part for me is this self-analysis: Does my bipolar make me quick to anger? Does it contribute to the excessiveness of the punishment? Does it create guilt that keeps me from following through with a consequence? And the worst: Are my kids afraid of me?
I realize that at 11, 13 and 15 that my kids are going to hate me at times. I get that. The harder part is looking at my behavior and decisions and wondering if I have been fair, yet firm.
For now, I just want to breathe. And relax. And do everything I can to get this headache to go away so that I can be a better mother.
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